Happenings From The Hood
by conley
Summary: Mix RH, hot guys, pretty dresses, boredom at school, two 15 year old girls, consisting of a Lady Gaga fan and a very obsessive complusive person, and the result is this. INSANITY. rated for language & inappropriate scene involving dear Gissy. CRACKFIC.
1. The Arrival

**Sup peoples. Seeing as we are quite new to this fanfic section of Robin Hood we want to intro ourselves. This is cece-noon and Pendragon.P a s s i o n. If any of you guys read Ranger's Apprentice fanfics you would remember us from that horribly but so fantastically wrong fanfic, The Chronicles of Gerald.  
Me, passion, got into RH after the epiest person, MerlinJunkie, on youtube was putting up Merlin season 2 and at the same time was putting up RH. I started watching that and the new obsession was born *KAPOW* *hand gestures* cece-noon, currently standing right next to me, got into it because she needs a filler-in to obsess over seeing as Gossip Girl season 4 doesnt start until 13 Sept. so this is the product of our boredom. Unlike Gerald, which we wrote in Maths, this was discussed one lunchtime. We currently have over a page of ideas including a crossdressing Will, a pole dancing Gissy and a very very hungry Much, and also cece's own personal Festival of Pain, featuring THE SHERIFF!**

**So this is Chapter One. This actually contains no one from RH but does contain a 'special guest' who will appear a few more times to help us out. We give a small shout out to our Commerce teach, whose real name is not actually Mrs Mercury-Sour. When we actually started writing this down we were in Commerce 2 days ago while we were also creating a 'rap' of sorts to promote safe driving *rap is featured in fanfic below* **

**Disclaimer: **do NOT own a thing, for if we did the story of Robin Hood would be completely fucked up for the rest of eternity. The rap is totally all ours though so nick off if you wanna steal.

**We are encouraging opinions for this fic. That does not mean flames but we do know that not everyone will enjoy this...  
This is a VERY long AN and not all will be anywhere near as long as this. So please review, tell us what you think.. and do**

**ENJOY!..**

**Happenings From The Hood**

**Chapter One - In The Beginning...**

Once, two year 10 girls sat utterly bored in Commerce. They were creating an epically awesome rap to promote safe driving. It went something like this:  
*intensely deep voice over*  
Are you going out tonight? Having a few drinks? Imagine this: You're on your way home, you crash. Instead of bread, jam and butter you spread over the road with your head in the gutter.

As their teacher, Mrs Mercury-Sour, drabbled on and fractious students yelled dimly in the background, their class was suddenly interrupted. Right before their eyes a slim, tall man, with outstandingly large, flappy ears and pointy shoes appeared at the front of the class. He shook his head to clear it, the bell on the end of his pointy hat jingling eerily.

Mrs Mercury-Sour slammed down her textbook, _Commerce for Australian Citizens, _open to page 106 – Driving a Car, and glared at the newcomer. "Excuse me!" She peered down her nose, through her too-thick-glasses. "What _are_ you doing?"

The man cocked his head thoughtfully. "Well, that one," his arm came up and his long finger found itself pointing at the blonde of the two girls. "_That_ one has been stalking me through her dreams and sending Colin Morgan*1 so much God-damned fan-mail!"

The blonde, Tilley, was sitting in the front row. Her brunette friend, Connie, looked at her disinterestedly, one eyebrow raised in mimic to Halt*2.

Then she slapped her across the face.

Tilley, who had been in a severe state of shock, came back to the planet we know as earth.

Slowly her blank expression turned into one of extreme pleasure. "Oh my fucking God! Fuck, IT IS MERLIN! FREAKEN MERLIN!"

Connie rolled her eyes and slapped Tilley again. "Oh em golly, get over it woman!"

Before Tilley could retaliate Merlin spoke again.

"Now, you have sent Colin Morgan so much fan-mail and practically stalked me and I will not even go into your insane level of obsession with Bradley James – but anyway... Because of you passion for the show and characters I have used my awesome, super powers and transported myself here. As it is my Destiny to protect Arthur, unfortunately for you I cannot take you to Camelot as you would probably physically injure him and most definitely scar him psychologically for the rest of eternity. So instead I am going to send you into your other obsession – the world of Robin Hood."

Connie looked at the boy with the queer hat, "You can't be serious."

"Oh, but I am!"

Tilley was bouncing in her seat, mini jumps on the hard plastic chairs, her fringe falling in her face.

"Oh my God! Are you freaken serious!"

Merlin gave her a look that said 'Oh-my-Uther-I can't-believe-that-I-finally-get-to-do-this-I-can-sleep-so-much-better-at-night-now-by-knowing-that-this-stupid-woman-child-can-finally-go-away!'

"Yes, Tilley," he sighed. "I am serious."

Tilley squee-ed. "OH MY GOD! Can we go now? Please?"

"Well...I suppose so."

"No!" Connie whined. "We have Maths next, I like Maths!"

"Dude, no. We are going _now_!" Tilley demanded.

Merlin held up his hands. "Whoa, hang on. She can't go too," he pointed to Connie.

Tilley turned to her friend, "Sorry dude, looks like I'm going this alone."

"No!" Connie shook her head vigorously. "B-But," her eyes filled with tears. "But...the Sheriff...I wanna meet the Sheriff..." She suddenly got up and stood on the table, one fist raised high and shouted, "SHERIFF REIGH SUPREME!"

*awkward silence*

"Riiggghhhtht..." Merlin frowned. "Well, I guess she can go too..."

"Oh my God! He's gonna use Old English*3 to getus there!" Tilley screamed.

Connie turned to look at her, "Dude, I still think Old English is 'Ye olde bell tower felleth to thee groundeth'."

Tilley sighed as the old argument*4 restarted once again. "Well, sor-ry, I mean, oh my God! He's gonna use Anglo-Saxon to get us there!"

Connie nodded once, "Thank you."

Merlin rolled his eyes and turned to Mrs Mercury-Sour. "Do they go on like this all the time?"

The teacher nodded as the rest of the class simply sighed and started a joint conversation about how bloody annoying the two friends were. The warlock sighed and shook his head. "Man, do I feel sorry for Robin Hood and his gang..." Then he raised one hand. "_Mumble-mumble-mumble-something completely incoherent and Old Engl-I mean, Anglo-Saxon._"

Suddenly the girls were torn from reality and began falling through time and space.

Flashing lights and a mirage of colours surrounded them. They fell through different TV shows from everywhere. Connie excitedly pointed out as The 10th Doctor and Rose flashed past. As the conversation about how epic he was and his fabulous coat and awesome hair finished they flashed past another familiar show, Gossip Girl. They talked about the epic hotness of Chuck and Nate and the pure genius of Blair. Soon after they Torchwood passed by and just after the conversation about the epicness of Owen, hotness of Jack and gorgeousness of Ianto, the two girls came to a sudden halt, landing on their arses in the middle of –

"The Outlaw's Camp!" Tilley exclaimed.

_Back to Merlin._

"Sooooo..." Mrs Mercury-Sour said. "Who _are_ you?"

Merlin and the class sighed at the stupidity of the teacher. Merlin decided to ignore her. He raised both arms in announcement. "Who wants to get outta here?"

The whole class cheered.

"Well sorry. But unfortunately you can't as meddling with children's education is strictly against the Time/Dimension Travel Regulations."

And with that, he mumbled another few words and disappeared.

* * *

***1 - for those who dont know Merlin, Colin Morgan is the actor who plays him.  
*2 - Halt is this character from the book series Ranger's Apprentice who constantly has an eyebrow raised when is he amused, confused, disapproving or asking what the fuck is going on.  
*3 - Old English is the language they use for the spells they use on Merlin.  
*4 - we constantly fight about Old English VS Anglo-Saxon.**

**omce again, opinions are very much welcome and hopefully we will have the next chapter fairly soon, though we arent promising anything. **

**cece-noon and passion.**


	2. The Outlaw's Camp!

The Outlaw's Camp!

Connie gave a short laugh, full of contempt.

"Oh my God!" Tilley jumped up and down, clapping her hands excitedly. Before Connie could stop her, she was running around the camp, looking in every crevice and corner, mixing up the pots and pans that had been pain stakingly put in order alphabetically then by size.

"Dude1 found it!"

Connie rolled her eyes and sighed with disinterest.

"Found what?"

"Their loot." Tilley replied with a huge grin.

"You want me to do a fan girl scream?" She replied.

Tilley let out a fan girl scream. "Yes" Tilley screeched.

Connie rolled her eyes... again.

The blond started rummaging through the chests, the ones with all the valuables in it. She began decking herself out in silver, pearls and anything she could find in the chests.

"Dude!" She turned around, arms spread out in show, "How do I look?"

She wore about five necklaces at once, dozens of earrings, brooches, bracelets and other bits and pieces. She looked positively atrocious, especially with her school uniform of a pinafore and stockings.

"Fabulous Darling!"Connie answered. She turned around looking around the camp; the sound of Tilley rummaging thought the boxes in the background. The 'room' they had been standing in had been softly lighted by a couple of torches.

Before they knew what was going on, the light became hard and harsh as the door into the camp opened. Tilley mirrored the Outlaws actions as she froze in shock. Connie looked at them, the same mask of distaste she had had on the whole time.

"I'm not being funny right, but there aren't supposed to be here!"


	3. Meeting Insanity

Meeting Insanity

The man in the middle whipped his bow around, knocked an arrow and drew it back.

"Stop right there!" He yelled.

Connie raised a single eyebrow and said, "Halt could do that so much better."

"Don't mo-."

But before he could finish his sentence Allan interrupted him.

"Uh, Robin. I'm not being funny right, but she's touching me!" He pointed to the form clinging on to his waist and lightly pointing his cheek. Much ran forward.

"Get off him!" He grabbed at Tilley, but she would not budge. She didn't even notice Much's attempt to dislodge her from Allan, so she continued to stroke his cheek with her index finger.

"John?" Much asked. Little John handed his wood staff to Much as he walked forward.

Everyone frowned when even Little John couldn't remove this... thing from Allan's waist.

In the midst of the confusion no one noticed as Djaq crept around the edge of the campfire and grabbed the indifferent Connie from behind, dagger raised to her throat.

"Stop everyone! Stop!"

*Awkward silence where everyone looks at each other, not knowing what to do. Tilley still softly stroking Allan's cheek*

"Let go of Allan, or I will kill her!"

Tilley continued to stare at Allan, but her glance flickered to Connie then back to Allan, wavering between the two. Her eye's snapping quickly back to Connie. She shrugged.

"Sorry dude, but this is Allan."

That was it. That drew the line, and Connie had a short line.

"You bitch; you made me come here in the first place when I would have been perfectly happy with Trig. But noooooo. Now I'm gonna die, all because of you. This totally breaks the 'Bro's before Ho's' Code." Connie looked daggers, (No, wait), looked swords at Tilley, lips pursed. "I want my purple 'BFF's Forever' bracelet with matching pink love hearts back!"

Tilley raised her eyebrows, then let go of Allan's waist, looking guilty.

"Sorry, man."

"Better." Connie said.

As soon as Allan was free of her grasp he scampered away from her and hid in pure fear behind John, clinging to his big, long, flappy, brown, floppy leather cloak. Robin looked around the camp, eyes narrowed in thought.

"Right, so answer me this, who are you two?"

"Yeah," Allan said, "I'm not being funny, but who the hell are you?"

"And how did you get into our camp?" Much asked. Will continued the thought, "How did you even know it was here?"

*Silence*

Tilley's eyes lit up and Connie could tell she was going to go on a tangent.

"Well..."

Connie sighed, "Here we go..."

*Ten minutes and only three breathes later...*

"... And THAT is how we got here!" Tilley finished with a triumphant smile. Everyone was silent. Much, Allan, Djaq and Little John were eyes wide with shock. Will was just standing there and Robin was scowling.

"You can't scowl right. Only Halt can scowl right. Just give up while you're ahead, bub." Connie said. All eyes were on her, then they looked at Tilley, smile no longer triumphant, more bordering on maniac. Connie looked at her friend, "Now you people SEE what I have to put up with?" Her hands raised to the heavens.

The Outlaws looked at each other... totally confused. The Much laughed, "Yeah right!"

"Yeah..." Tilley sighed, "I know it sounds-"

"Insane!"

"Crazy!"

"Outrageous?"

"Stupid!"

"Well it's not an everyday occurrence for us either." Connie said.

"Alright," Robin said, "You are obviously not from around here or Nottingham-"

Connie's face lit up slightly. "The Sheriff!"

Wills head snapped around. "What about him?"

"... Notthhiinngg..." She looked around shiftily.

"Oh-My-Gwad!" Tilley exclaimed.

"What?" Much asked.

"I just thought of another way for you to believe us!"

"How?" Robin looked slightly bemused.

"Right. WE KNOW YOUR NAMES!"

*Awkward silence*

"Right, that's enough." John said, "YOU are INSANE!"

"No, fully!" Tilley exclaimed. She pointed at each one as she spoke. "You're Robin, Leader of the gang. Fought in the Crusades and you have lost your 'appetite for blood', though Gisborne thinks otherwise!-"

"And you have been affectionately nicknamed 'Hood' by both," she sighed, 'The Sheriff and Gissy." Tilley gave Connie look, she shut up.

Tilley continued "John, Little John – big, you have got a few temper issues-"

"I DO NOT!"

Connie looked at his pointedly, "Case and point."

"You had a wife – Alice and a little Little John. Djaq, the Saracen woman. Originally mistaken for a guy to begin with until Will walked in on you were getting changed. Much, Robin's loyal servant-"

"And pet." Connie put in.

"Yes, whatever. You are the comedian of the group, though unwilling. You just want to be loved.

"And Allan. Dear, dear Allan-A-Dale. My GOD you're hott!" Tilley finished, her eyes glazed over with, what she called, the beauty of Allan.

"Two things," Connie started, "One, Don't take the Lords name in vein, and two, Will, you're very pretty too."

"And you have a brother, Luke, and a daddy who has the ugliest freaking hair cut eva!" Tilley finished!


	4. Staring Quests and Contained Evil Power?

****

So, the next instalment of Tilley's and Connie's adventure in the BBC's adaption of Robin Hood is up. In case you don't know what the hell this is (shame on you for skipping ahead!) it's the epic! tale of two girls that are transported to Sherwood Forest, and basically... they go and screw the story up and create mayhem as they go. What to look forward to in this chapter... well, just read it! also any Supernatural fans will notice a rip-off of Sam's speech to that random frat boy in Tall Tales from Tilley in this chapter.

**Disclaimer: We don't own Robin Hood, and we aren't making any cash of this.**

**The Staring Quest**

"Are we there yet?" the blonde of the two girls asked.

"No," Robin replied as the group walked through Sherwood Forest. The leaves rustled beneath their feet, the occasional twig snapping. They were on their way to Nottingham. The two girls had demanded it, well, one had demanded it, the other was happy to do what ever as long as her beloved Allan was in her sights. After finally convincing the Gang that they were not working for the Sheriff and that they were who they said they were Connie demanded that they go to Nottingham. When refused she gave everyone a serious death glare until they broke and said 'yes'.

"Are you sure?" Tilley pestered.

"Yes" he replied.

"So we are there?"

"No, I just said we weren't!" his voice was rising.

"No, you just said 'Yes'."

Robin stopped and inhaled deeply, he turned around to find Tilley in an intense staring competition with a small brown fuzzy squirrel, (the one that Aurora sings too in Sleeping Beauty, the very same one!), the gang staring at Tilley and the squirrel in the middle of their epic! staring battle. The squirrels face distorted in the effort not to blink, one eye almost closed the other eye had the lid held up high. Tilley shared the same facial expression.

"Can we, like, go?" Connie asked with a bored expression on her face. Her question was met with "BLINK! BLINK! BLINK! BLINK!" As it was becoming clear a winner would soon emerge from the epic! quest of not blinking as the squirrel's cheek began to twitch.

Tilley blinked!

It was over.

"How anti-climatic." Connie said. "You were beaten by a furry rodent."

Much eyed Connie with suspicion and walked up behind Tilley. "Um, Tilley right?"

"Oh my God!" she excalaimed in fright. "Dude! Don't sneak up on me, please. It just...scares the crap outta me!"

Much moved back slightly, a little scared. "Uh ok. Anyway, is she always this grumpy? I mean, all she seems to do is complain and criticise you."

"Dude, I can hear you," Connie said from up ahead. "And, if you don't mind, I prefer to look at things with mild disdain, not grumpily. I am _not_ a grumpy boots. Don't be my mother, only she calls me that!"

Much was suddenly scared by the thought of Connie's mum. Tilley laughed.

"Just give her time. She's just pissed 'cause she hasn't met the Sheriff or Gissy yet."

Much looked confused. "Wait. Is that why we're going to Nottingham? Because she wants to meet those two? Who would wanna meet _them_?"

Suddenly Connie stopped in her tracks and rounded on the beanie-wearing man. "I would say it is a free country but here, at this time it isn't but the point still remains. Am I suddenly not up to your standards just because I happen to like those two? And, by the way, _those two_ have names! So unless you would like to be thoroughly involved in the Sheriff's new and upcoming Festival of Pain I suggest you keep your mouth shut!" And with that she turned and continued walking.

Much was shaking and his eyes filled with tears instantly brimming his eyes and falling down his face, his bottom lip quivering something terrible. Tilley laid a hand on his shoulder.

"It's ok, Much. I know this all has to be so hard but I want you to know that I'm here for you. It is all going to be fine." She embraced him tightly. "Come here, you brave little soldier. I acknowledge your pain...you're too precious for this world!"

Tilley released him after a moment and they continued walking with the group until Connie said, "And I suggest this to you Much: be a man and grow a pair! Or you will never repoduce and call your kids stupid names like Alot and Agreatamount."

Much's head turned to Robin. "Master! Please get her to stop!"

Robin shook his head. "Sorry Much!"

"John? Please!"

But every one of the Gang said 'no'. "Why won't any of you get her to be nice to me?" he cried out.

The ever so hot Allan laid a hand on his shoulder. "Look, I'm not being funny Much, but she is scary-"

"She has a name!" Connie interrupted.

"Sorry...We all find Connie a bit scary, I mean, she did convince us all to take her to Nottingham. So I'm not being funny or anything but I reckon she has this like, contained evil power inside her and if we annoy her or insult her she will unleash it on us and, I'm not being funny or anything, but we simply value our lives too much for that." Allan nodded to himself, "Yeah, I'm not being funny, but that's about it."

"Look," Robin interrupted. "I hate to interrupt your little explaination/comfort thing going on here but we are almost at Nottingham and we need to figure a way to get inside the castle."

* * *

**so thats it. to look forward to in the next chappie:**

**- Connie meets the Sheriff and Gissy.  
- Tilley has fun with Much.**

**please review.**

**luv u all..**

**conley.**


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